Understanding Demand Avoidance in Neurodivergent Young People

For many neurodivergent (ND) young people, everyday expectations—like attending school, socialising with friends, or helping around the house—can feel overwhelming, confusing, or even distressing. To others, these behaviours may appear inconsistent or deliberately defiant. But in reality, they often reflect the unique ways ND brains process information, emotions, and the world around them.

What Does Demand Avoidance Look Like?

ND young people—especially those with Autism or ADHD—might show demand avoidance in ways that can be confusing or frustrating to the people around them. These may include:

• Intermittent school attendance
• Refusal to participate in classroom learning or activities
• Avoidance of social gatherings, sports, or leaving the house
• Resistance to chores or basic daily routines

At times, they may appear capable of managing these expectations, only to refuse or shut down at other times. This inconsistency often leads to misunderstanding. Parents, teachers, and peers may interpret the behaviour as laziness, willfulness, or even manipulation—but it’s not that simple.

Why Does Demand Avoidance Happen?

The ND brain processes experiences differently. For these young people, demands—especially those involving change, unpredictability, or social pressure—can feel threatening. Even routine tasks can become overwhelming when the brain is already in a heightened state of arousal.

Here’s why demand avoidance can happen:

• Overwhelm: ND brains are often more sensitive to sensory input, social cues, and internal emotional states. A new or demanding situation can overload their nervous system.
• Difficulty integrating new experiences: ND young people may find it challenging to imagine or prepare for a new situation, especially without adequate scaffolding. This uncertainty can feel unsafe.
• Need for sameness and routine: Predictability helps ND individuals feel secure. Unexpected changes or even seemingly minor transitions can disrupt their sense of safety.
• Cognitive fatigue: It can take enormous effort to manage emotions, attention, and social expectations. If a young person seems to “cope fine” one day but not the next, it may be because they’ve run out of internal resources.

It’s Not About Refusal—It’s About Survival

When a young person resists a demand, it’s rarely about oppositional behaviour. Often, it’s a nervous system response—their way of communicating, “I can’t cope with this right now.” What may look like stubbornness is often an attempt to regain control in a world that feels unpredictable and overwhelming.

Supporting a Neurodivergent Young Person Through Demand Avoidance

Understanding and compassion are key. Here are a few ways to support ND young people experiencing demand avoidance:

• Validate their experience: Acknowledge their distress and let them know it’s okay to feel overwhelmed.
• Reduce pressure: Instead of pushing through resistance, look for ways to gently reduce the demand and create a sense of safety.
• Use gradual exposure: Break down tasks or situations into manageable steps, and allow them to experience each one at their own pace.
• Provide structure and predictability: Visual schedules, clear routines, and advance warnings for change can help reduce anxiety.
• Stay curious, not critical: Ask, “What might be hard about this for them?” rather than assuming laziness or defiance.

A Final Thought

Demand avoidance in neurodivergent young people is not a personal failure or a parenting flaw. It is a reflection of how some brains cope with stress, change, and unpredictability. By meeting young people with empathy and flexible support, we can help them feel safe enough to stretch their comfort zones—and flourish in their own time.